Helping Children Adjust to You: An Au Pair's Guide
One of the biggest challenges for first-time au pairs is that children don't always welcome them with open arms.
Perhaps the children were friendly on the video calls, and their parents have told you how excited they are for your arrival. Sometimes, however, when you actually step foot in the family home, it's a different story.
You may be expecting smiles and instant connection, only to find that the children ignore you, refuse to listen, act out, become clingy with their parents, or suddenly seem much more challenging than their parents described.
If this happens, don't panic.
It doesn't mean the children dislike you. It just means they're adjusting.
Change Can Feel Bigger Than We Think
A story my family still loves to tell is what happened when my little sister was born. I was two years old and very excited about becoming a big sister. Everyone told me how wonderful it would be. Then she arrived. Suddenly my parents were busy, my routines changed, and other people were helping with things Mum and Dad used to do. I wasn't impressed. One day I marched my parents to the front door, opened it, and announced:
"Baby out!"
As adults, we laugh about it now. But for little children, change can feel enormous.
At two years old, I wasn't trying to be mean. I was trying to make sense of a huge change in my world.
Whether you're a new au pair joining a family for the first time or arriving during another major family change, such as the arrival of a new baby, understanding children's behaviour will help you settle in more successfully.
A Big Change for a Little Person
For children, the arrival of an au pair often represents a significant change to the family life they know.
Even if they were excited beforehand, reality can feel very different from expectation.
In their own way, children may be wondering:
Can I trust this person?
Will they be kind to me?
Are Mum and Dad too busy for me?
Will I still get the same time with my parents?
Why do things need to change?
Some children may worry that the arrival of an au pair means losing some of the routines, traditions, and one-on-one time they previously shared with their parents.
How Adjustment Can Show Up
Children rarely say:
"I'm feeling uncertain about this change."
Instead, they often communicate those feelings through behaviour.
You might experience:
Ignoring instructions
Pushing boundaries
Testing rules
Tantrums or emotional outbursts
Clinginess
Withdrawal
Comparing you to their parents or other caregivers
Refusing help
Saying hurtful things
Hitting, kicking, or throwing things
While these behaviours can feel personal, they aren't.
Children are often trying to figure out whether you're safe, predictable, and someone they can trust. In other words, they're deciding whether you belong in their world.
Connection Before Correction
One principle shared by many child development experts is that connection should come before correction.
Children cooperate more readily when they feel emotionally safe.
This doesn't mean becoming permissive or allowing poor behaviour. It means prioritising the relationship while maintaining clear and consistent boundaries.
Before focusing on gaining compliance, focus on building trust.
Here are our top tips for doing that:
Prepare Before You Arrive
One of the best ways to build trust is to start becoming familiar before you ever step into the home.
Ask your host family:
What are the children's favourite toys?
What games do they play?
What books do they love?
What is their favourite part of the day?
What is their favourite part of each routine?
What are their current interests?
What do they enjoy talking about?
Who are their best friends or favourite teacher?
If a child loves Minecraft, dinosaurs, football, horses, Lego, Pokémon, ballet, Bluey, or Taylor Swift, spend a little time learning about it before you arrive.
Imagine the difference between:
"What is Minecraft?"
and
"I heard you're building a castle in Minecraft. Can you show me?"
You can even take it one step further by planning a few simple activities related to those interests before you arrive. Imagine how a dinosaur-loving child might react if you arrive with a dinosaur scavenger hunt idea, or how excited a child who loves Lego might be if you've already thought of a fun building challenge for the two of you to do together.
Children feel valued when adults show genuine interest in the things that matter to them. It helps build an immediate connection when you already know something about their favourite interests.
2. Help Children Understand Your Role
When children are old enough to understand, it can be helpful for parents and au pairs to explain the role of an au pair clearly.
A simple message might be:
“I'm here to be part of the team and help make the busy days easier.”
This reassurance helps children understand that you are not replacing their parents.
You are joining the team.
3. Share Your World With Them
One of the most special things about being an au pair is that you bring a piece of your country and culture into the family home.
If you open up, so will they.
Show them:
Where you're from on a map
Photos of your hometown and family
What animals live there
What food people eat
What sports are popular
What children your age enjoyed growing up
You might even bring a small token or souvenir from home.
These conversations give children another way to connect with you.
You stop being "the new au pair" and become a real person with stories, experiences, and a life they can learn about.
Children are often proud to share their own world in return. They may become excited to show you their favourite places, favourite foods, favourite games, and favourite routines.
4. Consistent Boundaries Build Trust
Trust isn't built through one big conversation.
It's built through hundreds of small moments.
Children learn whether they can trust you by watching how you respond to everyday situations.
Do you follow through on what you say?
Do you stay calm when they're upset?
Do your boundaries stay the same from one day to the next?
Do you still show up with warmth after they've had a meltdown?
Many new au pairs worry that being firm will make children dislike them, so they become overly lenient during the first few weeks.
While this is understandable, it often has the opposite effect.
Children may not always like boundaries, but they generally feel safer and more secure when they know where those boundaries are.
Predictability creates security.
5. Be a Calm and Consistent Presence
Especially in busy families, one of the most powerful things an au pair can do is simply be a calm and consistent presence in the home.
Some of the strongest bonds are built when there is no pressure to talk at all.
Sit nearby while they draw.
Colour quietly alongside them.
Build Lego together.
Read a book.
Make a favourite snack together and share it.
Join them in simple everyday moments.
Being present without expectations sends a powerful message:
"I'm comfortable here. I'm not in a hurry. I'm happy spending time with you."
Children notice this.
When they see an adult who feels relaxed, patient, and reliable, they begin to relax too.
6. Let Children Teach You
Another wonderful way to build trust is to let children teach you things.
Ask questions like:
"Can you show me how this works?"
"I heard you're the house expert on dinosaurs. Can you tell me what this one is called?"
"Can you teach me how to play this game?"
"Can you help me with this?"
Children love feeling capable.
When they become the expert, they often feel more confident, connected, and invested in the relationship.
Over time, something subtle begins to happen.
You stop being the new au pair.
You become part of the routine.
7. Don't Take Rejection Personally
We get it. You've just moved into a new home, started a new role, and are likely jet-lagged, exhausted, and out of your comfort zone.
Even if you’re very experienced with children, it can still be upsetting to hear things like:
“I don’t like you.”
“You’re not my Mum.”
“Go away.”
“I want you out of my house.”
Children often use simple words to communicate complicated emotions.
These comments can feel personal in the moment, even when they’re usually a child’s way of expressing discomfort, confusion, or big emotions.
Responding calmly and warmly is usually far more effective than defending yourself.
8. Give the Relationship Time
Many experienced au pairs report that the first two weeks are often the hardest.
Everyone is adjusting. The routines feel unfamiliar. The children are learning about you, and you’re learning about them. At the same time, you’re settling into a new home, culture, language, and daily routine.
Then, slowly, things begin to change.
A child starts telling you about their day.
They ask you to play.
They seek you out when they’re upset.
They begin to trust you.
The good news is that children are often much quicker to adapt than adults expect. Once they learn that you’re kind, consistent, and sticking around, the walls usually come down surprisingly fast.
A Final Thought
You may not experience any of this when you arrive. Many au pairs settle in smoothly, and many children are welcoming from the start.
But if the first few days or weeks do feel a little challenging, we don’t want you to feel caught off guard or assume that something has gone wrong.
We do our best to prepare both you and your host family before you arrive, so the transition feels as smooth and supported as possible. Even so, it’s very normal for everyone to need a little time to adjust.
If the children seem unsure, distant, emotional, or challenging at first, try not to take it as a sign that something is wrong with you, or with them.
In many cases, difficult behaviour is not a sign that the relationship is failing.
It’s simply a sign that a child is adjusting to change and learning whether they can trust you.
Stay patient.
Stay consistent.
Stay curious.
Stay kind.
Trust isn’t built overnight.
But when children learn that you’re a safe, reliable, and caring person in their lives, some of the most meaningful and rewarding relationships you’ll ever experience can begin.
