10 Child Development Tips Every Au Pair Should Know

Helping Children Feel Confident, Regulated & Emotionally Safe

The au pair experience is exciting for so many reasons - living overseas, exploring a new culture, meeting new people, and becoming part of a family’s daily life. But alongside the adventure comes real responsibility, because you are helping care for and positively influence children during important developmental years.

The way you respond to behaviour, transitions, mistakes, and emotional moments can have a huge impact on a child’s confidence, emotional regulation, and sense of security.

The good news? Some of the most effective communication and behaviour management strategies are actually very simple.

Here are some of our favourite practical tips inspired by modern child development approaches from professionals like Dr. Becky Kennedy (we highly recommend her YouTube videos!) and other respectful parenting educators.

1. Work as a Team with the Parents

It’s essential that the adults in the house stay consistent, aligned, and on the same page with how they communicate daily with the children.

Before trying new behaviour strategies or routines, take time to understand how the parents prefer to handle:

• Discipline

• Boundaries

• Rewards

• Emotional regulation

• Tantrums

• Bedtime routines

• Sibling conflict

• Screen time

• Mealtime expectations

Great au pairs work with the parents as a team rather than creating completely different rules or parenting styles inside the home.

2. Behaviour Is Communication

Children are still learning how to regulate emotions, communicate needs, handle disappointment, and process stimulation.

A lot of behaviour is connected to:

• Hunger

• Fatigue

• Overstimulation

• Frustration

• Feeling disconnected

• Feeling out of control

Instead of immediately thinking:
“How do I stop this behaviour?”

try asking:
“What might this child need right now?”

Sometimes children need:

• Food

• Water

• Quiet

• Movement

• Rest

• Connection

• Predictable boundaries

Great au pairs learn to look underneath behaviour instead of only reacting to it.

3. Don’t Rush Children After School

Many children are emotionally exhausted and overstimulated after:

• School

• Playdates

• Daycare

• Sports

• Busy activities

A common mistake adults make is immediately bombarding children with questions:

• “How was school?”

• “What did you learn?”

• “Do you have homework?”

• “Who did you play with?”

Sometimes children simply need:

• A snack

• Water

• Quiet

• Connection

• Time to decompress

Instead, try:

• “I’m happy to see you”

• “Welcome home”

• “I’ve been looking forward to seeing you”

Then stay calm and present with snacks and water on hand.

Children often open up naturally once they feel regulated again.

4. Stay Present

Children feel confident, secure, and emotionally connected when they feel genuinely listened to and noticed.

Try to avoid being distracted while actively caring for children. Eye contact, active listening, and follow-up questions help children feel:

• Important

• Valued

• Heard

• Safe

If a child says:

• “Watch this!”

• “Look what I made!”

pause and genuinely engage with them.

Simple follow-up questions like:

• “How did you do that?”

• “What was your favourite part?”

• “I can see you worked really hard on that”

can make children feel incredibly seen and validated.

Children often repeat bids for attention because they are looking for connection.

5. Practice “Mirroring”

One powerful communication tool often discussed by child development professionals is called mirroring. This means responding to children’s emotions with your face, tone, body language, and full attention.

For example:

• If a child tells you something exciting, look excited with them

• If something upset them, slow down and respond with empathy

• If they are proud of something, genuinely notice it

Simple phrases like:

• “I’m so glad you told me that”

• “That sounds exciting!”

• “Wow, that must have felt scary”

• “You worked really hard on that”

help children feel emotionally safe and more likely to continue opening up in the future.

This kind of emotional connection plays a huge role in healthy development, confidence, communication skills, and self-esteem.

6. Use the “When-Then” Method

One of the easiest ways to avoid unnecessary power struggles is by replacing threats with calm, predictable language.

Instead of:
“If you don’t clean up, you can’t play outside”

Try:
“When the toys are back in the basket, then we can play outside”

Instead of:
“If you don’t put your shoes on, we’re not going”

Try:
“When your shoes are on, then we can leave for the park”

This approach:

• Keeps boundaries clear

• Shows cause and effect

• Avoids emotional escalation

• Helps children feel more in control

• Reduces unnecessary conflict

It’s calm, predictable, and much less emotionally charged.

7. Use the “Two Options” Rule

Children naturally want independence and control.

One of the best ways to reduce “No!” battles is by offering two acceptable choices instead of yes/no questions.

Instead of:
“Put your shoes on”

Try:
“Would you like to wear your green shoes or blue shoes today?”

Instead of:
“It’s time to leave the park”

Try:
“We’re leaving in five minutes. Would you like to spend your last few minutes on the swing or the slide?”

Children still feel a sense of control while you maintain the boundary.

This simple trick can dramatically reduce power struggles throughout the day.

8. Separate the Child from the Behaviour

Avoid labelling children as:

• Naughty

• Shy

• Difficult

• Bad

Instead, separate the behaviour from the child.

Instead of:
“You’re being bad”

Try:
“You’re a good person, but hitting someone is wrong”

Children need boundaries, but they also need to feel emotionally safe and fundamentally accepted.

9. Praise Effort, Character & Behaviour - Not Appearance

Children build stronger self-esteem when adults focus on:

• Effort

• Kindness

• Bravery

• Persistence

• Problem-solving

• Behaviour

rather than appearance or fixed labels.

Instead of:

• “You’re so pretty”

• “You’re the smart one”

Try:

• “You worked really hard on that”

• “That was really thoughtful to share with your friend”

• “You were so brave after that fall”

• “I noticed how patient you were”

• “You kept trying even when it got difficult”

This helps children develop confidence that is based on effort and resilience rather than external validation.

10. Help Children Feel Capable

Confidence grows and skills build when children feel useful and trusted.

Sometimes it’s quicker and easier for adults to do everything themselves, but involving children in small everyday tasks helps build:

• Confidence

• Independence

• Cognitive development

• Problem-solving skills

• Responsibility

Depending on age, children can help:

• Pack snacks

• Pour water or juice

• Help make their bed

• Prepare ingredients

• Carry groceries

• Tidy toys

• Set the table

Children often become more cooperative when they feel included and in charge of something rather than constantly managed.

Final Thoughts

You do not need to know every child psychology theory to positively influence children’s confidence and emotional wellbeing.

Small, consistent interactions - staying calm, listening fully, encouraging effort, giving children small choices, and creating emotional safety - often make the biggest difference.

The best au pairs are not just helpful - they are emotionally intelligent, adaptable, communicative, and deeply invested in helping children feel safe, capable, and confident.

If you have other effective tips from your au pair or childcare experience, we’d love to hear them and continue expanding the list!